Breaking Free - Redefining the Role of a Mudang

2023 year has been a challenging journey for me as a mudang, as I grappled with feelings of disillusionment and lost hope. I even thought about hanging up my mudang robe/role because I was sickened and disheartened. When I first embarked on this path and underwent initiation, I held firm beliefs in its potential to bring positive transformation and healing to our communities and ourselves.

As I delved deeper into our traditions and practices under the guidance of my elder, I initially found myself immersed in a whirlwind of learning and growth. Every moment spent with my elder was precious, as I absorbed teachings, lessons, and insights like a sponge. I was all for it, consuming, learning taking everything in. However, as time passed, a sense of numbness crept in.

I couldn't shake the feeling of disconnect and disillusionment. It became apparent that our services were only accessible to those who could afford substantial fees (10k, 15k, 20k, 25k, 30k or more) for ceremonial rites, leaving me feeling disheartened and distant from my spirit family. I’ve personally spent over 100k in my own trainings and ceremonies, and stopped because I couldn't even afford to continually pay for these extravagant ceremonies for myself, I struggled to reconcile this reality with my beliefs and values.

I witnessed the departure of my spirit sisters, one by one, leaving me and one other sister as the remaining members of our spirit lineage. As I brought in others from the diaspora, I made a conscious decision to be transparent about my struggles about my elder and spirit family ways and practices. I refused to sugarcoat the challenges we faced, believing in the importance of honesty and authenticity within our spiritual community.

I struggled when our ceremonies are so expensive, that it would leave out those who were vulnerable or needed guidance. As time passed, I observed a shift in the focus of our ceremonies, moving from sincere dedication to finishing quickly, completing only the bare minimum. Initially, my elder emphasized the importance of offering assistance and support in our ceremonies. However, with age, instead of delegating tasks and building collaborations, she insisted on leading ceremonies alone. Unfortunately, this led to a decline in the quality of our rituals, as they became shorter and rushed, ultimately losing their sense of sacredness. We found ourselves hurrying through, prioritizing speed over reverence, just to finish early.

I found myself deeply troubled by the racism and discrimination exhibited by my elder and spirit family. Their stance was unmistakably anti-Black and anti-Brown, and doubling down to lean into their prejudices. Their views on the LGBTQIA community were equally distressing, and their perception of impoverished poor individuals/communities and branding it as karmic sin only unsettled me more.

These experiences led me to question and evaluate the impact of mudangs on the community. Were we genuinely helping, or merely telling ourselves that we were? The discrepancy between our spiritual ideals and the discriminatory attitudes of some practitioners forced me to confront uncomfortable truths about the integrity of our practice and its alignment with its values.

Leaving my elder and spirit family in 2023 was a decision that stemmed from a culmination of issues and struggles that had been building over time. Despite having been with my elder since 2016, I reached a breaking point where I could no longer ignore the factors influencing my departure.

My elder helping me with my regalia for ceremony 

One significant issue was my elder's reluctance to foster independence among her students. Instead of encouraging us to trust our intuition and agency, she conditioned us to rely solely on her authority and power. The message was clear: she knew best, and life would be smooth sailing if we obediently followed her every directive.

Over time, the dynamic within my spirit family began to resemble that of a cult. This unsettling realization stirred familiar memories, bringing up traumas that leads back to my childhood experiences with my paternal grandmother, who led a small family cult.

Moreover, I witnessed a concerning pattern emerging from my elder. Conflicting things began to surface, such as the incident where she misrepresented the purpose of holding a ceremony at my home. Initially framed as being for her client, it transpired that the ceremony was actually for the client of my spirit sister. While seemingly trivial, this dishonesty deeply unsettled me, raising questions.

The incident that proved to be the final straw occurred when my elder shared her plans to permanently relocate to Korea. But I soon discovered that my elder had been in the talks with both my spirit siblings and my client without my knowing - planning a pilgrimage to Korea without my knowledge or involvement. The audacity of assuming she could take a client of mine to Korea without informing me was both bewildering and deeply hurtful. It was a betrayal of trust that underscored the extent of the dysfunction within our spiritual community, ultimately solidifying my decision to part ways with my elder and spirit family.

It was a hard decision of whether to stay or leave my spirit family, knowing that our values and beliefs were fundamentally misaligned. My elder instilled in us the belief that separating from her would displease our spirits and bring about their wrath or disdain.

Yet, leaving the spirit family felt like a homecoming, a return to myself and my spirits free from external interference that had previously sowed seeds of doubt and confusion. It was a moment of realignment, where I could trust in my own experiences and intuition without the constant questioning and conditioning imposed by others. In stepping away, I found a newfound sense of clarity and authenticity, reaffirming my decision to follow the path that resonated most deeply with myself and my spirits.

Going through all this has taught me invaluable lessons about the impact of certain behaviors within our communities. Rather than embodying the qualities I admired in a mentor, she challenged to redefine my goals and inspirations. Witnessing firsthand the potential harm caused by misguided leadership, I gained a clear perspective on navigating my own practices.